Adventures in Dirty Underwear

When one signs on to be a Kindergarten teacher there are many things that are not outlined in the job description.  A Kindergarten teacher has to be a therapist, a social worker, a parent, a professional singer, make good hand-puppets, be able to "take her thumb off" and, sometimes, if no one is throwing a tantrum, teach.  Also, check underwear for poop.  Oh, did you catch that last one?  That's right, I said CHECK UNDERWEAR FOR POOP.

Today when one of my students was in the bathroom he started screaming from within the stall, "Teacher. Teacher!"  While this would alarm most people, I didn't bat an eye, as this particular student ALWAYS screams my name from the bathroom stall because he is not able to snap the button on his pants.  It is my job to snap the snap, but definitely his job to put on his belt, as he reminds me every time I come to do the snapping, "Teacher, you do the snap, I do the belt!"  Right, got it.

So while the cries for help from inside the bathroom stall were not out of the ordinary, today's screech seemed slightly more desperate.  He was SCREAMING, "TEACHER!!!! TEACHER!!!!!!!!"   Not wanting to keep the snap un-snapped for more time than was necessary, I went into the bathroom and attempted to open the stall door.  It was locked.

Knock, knock, knock...
Me: "Um, Johnny*" (*name changed to shield this child from possible future embarrassment).
Johnny: "Who is it?"
Me: "Well, it's me, Maestra Robin.  You were screaming my name.  Do you need me to snap your pants?"
Johnny: "No. I think I went ca-ca in my pants.  But my mommy taught me how to wipe myself."
Me: "Great, I'm glad you know how to wipe yourse- wait...did you poop your pants?"
Johnny: "I don't know.  I can't see."
Me: "Why can't you see?"
Johnny: "Because they're stuck."
Me: "What's stuck?"
Johnny: "My underwear."

I did some quick mental math and realized what the stuck-ness of the underwear added up to, so I said,

"Yeah, it sounds like you had an accident."
Johnny: "Can you check?"
Me: sigh..."Yes.  But you're going to need to unlock the door."
Johnny: "OK, but don't open it all the way because I don't want the kids to SEE me."

So I squeezed my head and one arm through the tiniest sliver of a crack in the stall door to investigate just what was going on.  Upon further "inspection" it was determined that Johnny had, in fact, "went ca-ca in his pants."

Me: "Yes, you do have some poop in there."
Johnny (who has started to cry): "Oh no.  Am I in trouble?"
Me: "No!  It was an accident, it's OK.  Stay in here, I'm going to get you new underwear."
Johnny (Who stops crying, suddenly very excited): "Are you going to my house?!"
Me: "No, we have extra underwear in the office.  I'm going to call Sandy so she can bring them over."
Johnny: "Ok, but do they have super heroes on them?  Because I like super heroes."
Me: "I'm not sure.  I'll make sure to ask."

Five minutes later our school counselor (who is wonderful!) appears with a new pair of boxers, apologizing because it is the only thing the office currently has in the way of loaner underpants.  I assured her that it was fine, and she presented the brand new threads to Johnny.

Johnny:"Hey, THOSE aren't underwear!"
Me: "Yes, these are underwear."
Johnny: "NO!  Those don't have super heroes!  They are big!"
Me: "This is a different kind of underwear.  They don't have super heroes, but they are still underwear.  They are called boxers."
Johnny: "HEY!  I know about those!"
Me: "Great, well go ahead and put these on."

So our school counselor helped Johnny change into the new non-super hero boxers while I hurried all of the other kids into their coats and back-packs to go home (because, of course, an incident like this would occur right as the parents are about to show up to pick up their children).

When Johnny's mother arrived to get him I presented her with the old underwear wrapped carefully in a plastic bag, while Johnny danced around behind me and periodically grabbed his crotch crying, "Mommy, I LOVE boxers!  It's OK if they don't have super heroes!  I went ca-ca in my pants!  Am I in trouble?  Was I good today, teacher?  Can I play computer tomorrow?"

So, yeah, that was Wednesday.