Tuesday, April 28, 2009

This One Time at Whole Foods

The Whole Foods across the street from my friend Jessica's old apartment in San Francisco is one of the greatest places in the world. I love all of the food, the people are friendly, and Good God, they even sell yoga mats! Every time I walk inside I can't help but think, "Orange-cranberry vegan cous cous! This place is great!"

One time Jessica and I were standing in line waiting for our organic-vegan-vegetarian-cancer curing groceries to be scanned when I glanced up and took a good look at the man who was running the cash register. Standing at approximately six feet, three inches tall and weighing in at around 140lbs, this guy looked as if he ate about one meal a week. He was dressed entirely in black and sported a plethora of colorful tattoos, most of which featured some sort of scull. His hair was shoulder length, parted on the side, dyed black and slicked back in order to show the world what a tortured artist he really was. To complete his unique look, he had curled the ends of his mustache up to form perfect little curls pointing towards the centerline of his face. Picture the mustache that Captain Hook had in the movie "Hook" and you will have the right idea. Of course, the mustache and his fu manchu were also dyed black.

Now, I'd like to think that I am fairly open-minded. I am fine with many types of life choices including only allowing the color black to touch your body. However, I thought I was going to explode from containing my laughter once I glanced down at our cashier's name tag. The name came into my view, and I quickly had to turn my back to the guy as I regained my composure. Predictably, our cashier's shirt boldly decreed that he went by the name, PANTHER. That's right, Panther. Like a giant black cat who terrorizes the wild lands of India, Panther. Before I turned back around, I leaned over to Jess and said, "Please look at his name tag." Jessica's eyes flicked up, landed on the name tag, and she too had to spin around in order to collect herself.

As we waited in line the man in front of us dropped a roll on the floor that had been balancing on top of his pre-made dinner. Panther, ever the courteous employee, said, "Don't worry; you can go grab another one. Hey...," he motioned to me, "hand me that one on the ground. Three second rule!" I thought nothing of it and bent over, laughing out loud and thinking to myself, "Oh that Panther, he is such a kidder!" However, my humor quickly turned to confusion as he did not throw the roll away, but placed it next to his cash register for safe-keeping.

"Are you really going to eat that?" The girl bagging our groceries asked. I glanced down at the spot where the roll had landed. Although it didn't look particularly dirty, common sense told me that a person should not be eating rolls that have fallen on the ground in a grocery store check out line where foot traffic tends to be particularly high. "Of course I am!" Panther cried. "People need germs and bacteria in their bodies to survive. That's why the Japanese freak out if they get a cold. They are so concerned with germs that their bodies do not get exposed to as much bacteria as they should. When they get a cold they feel like they are dying." Jess, the girl bagging the groceries, and myself nodded, more out of puzzlement than agreement, but Panther continued, "Why do you think all of those pioneers lived into their eighties? Because they didn't worry about germs all the time!"

It was at this point that I realized that Panther had absolutely no idea what he was talking about. He almost had me with the Japanese thing, but his statements about the longevity of pioneers quickly changed my opinion. As we left the store I turned to Jess and explained to her that Panther was, in fact, incorrect. The settlers of this country usually died at an early age often due to poor hygiene and a general lack of knowledge of good sanitation practices. Jess nodded in agreement and assured me that the short life of the pioneers was a commonly known fact, although it had appeared to escape the comprehension of our dear friend, Panther.

So we left Whole Foods, and didn't stick around to find out if Panther, self proclaimed germ devotee and historian, decided to eat the roll. However, we did discover that Whole Foods is an equal opportunity employer, as they do not discriminate in the hiring process against large, black predatory cats that are usually found only in Asia.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Don't Forget...

Actual reminders I found programed into my phone:

2.Call Therapist.

Friday, April 10, 2009


My trip to Colorado to visit my friend Rusty was INCREDIBLE! I loved absolutely every second of my trip, and I sorta wish that I could move there. Boulder is beautiful, Denver is so fun, and let's face it: Rusty is the only friend I really need.
Here are some of the highlights of the trip:
1. Being introduced to Rusty's friend Trev Mac. Trev Mac said, "Robin isn't just gorgeous...she's GOOOORGEOUS!" (high-pitched, squealing noise). I think we are soul mates.

2. Driving through the mountains of Boulder with Rusty's friend Jayanthi. We took so many beautiful pictures, including some of some men who were climbing the side of a very snowy mountain. I was really impressed by their abilities until I realized that they were all drinking out of a flask. This means that their common sense was deteriorating by the second, and I didn't want to be around when one of them plummeted to his snowy death so we left.

3. Going to a Meadery (Mead is honey-wine), and two Breweries and only spending six dollars.

4. Eating at Casa Bonita, Denver's very own super-crappy theme park-ish Mexican themed restaurant. Here is a video that comes close to capturing the Casa Bonita experience, but really doesn't do it the justice it deserves:

5. Going to a drag show! The first performer we saw frightened me a little, as I felt like he/she was defying laws of human anatomy with the outfit she was wearing (which was basically underwear and pasties). When I asked Rusty how in the world she was able to pull that off he replied, "painfully." But the evening soon took a turn for the EXTRAORDINARY because we met MISS NINA FLOWERS, First Runner Up from Ru Paul's Drag Race! She is approximately 1000 times better than me at makeup, and 40 times better than me at dancing.

My only regret regarding my trip to Colorado is that I left a pair of pants and a shirt in Rusty's washing machine, which were covered in soup do to an unfortunate incident involving a spoon and a bread bowl over lunch. Needless to say, that event did not make the highlights.
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