How Do I Become a Member of This Secret Club?

I am just going to admit it: I don't know a lot about music. I really don't. I mean, I enjoy music, and I understand the concept of music, and I once even played the clarinet in Fourth Grade for three whole weeks, but there is a lot about music in general that escapes me.
First of all, I have no idea how people discover "great new bands!" I can recall numerous occasions where I have heard friends/people I was eavesdropping on say, "Oh, have you heard of (insert nonsensical band name here)? They are sooooo great! Seriously, their music changed my life." Now, I just cannot help buy wonder, where do people find these great, new, life changing bands? From their friends? From hours of browsing on itunes? From a daily e-mail chain that I have yet to subscribe to? Or is it something far more sinister, like a list of band names sealed inside an unmarked envelope slipped underneath their front doors at an unknown hour every night?
Whatever the case may be, I am definitely out of the loop, and certainly not a member of the Secret Envelope Club. I am the person who says, "Oh, have you heard of Counting Crows? They're that great band that wrote a song for Shrek 2! I love that movie because there is a talking cat in it!"
Or maybe this knowledge of the latest and greatest music comes from going to lots of concerts, which is also very problematic. I have been to a few concerts and here are some observations that I have made:
1. You cannot sit down for the entirety of the show.
2. You cannot hear anyone you came with, as the music is usually deafening.
3. Any drinks that you buy are outrageously expensive.
4. All venues are FILLED with a thin haze of pot smoke.
5. Everyone in the crowed, while they are not permitted to sit, must awkwardly sway in time with the music in order to fit in.
6. More often than not, one cannot understand any of the lyrics being sung, either because the acoustics are bad, the crowd is too loud, or the singer is drunk.
7. Shows always start 2 hours after their advertised times.

These observations have lead me to this: I don't like concerts. There. Now everyone knows that I think concerts are pretty much miserable. It's crowded, smoky, you can't sit down, you can't talk to anyone, you can't sing along to any music because you usually can't hear it, and you have to do the awkward-sway for the duration of the show. And, really, why do they always start late? What the hell are these band members doing all day? Oh, I know, getting drunk so that they cannot sing the lyrics of their own songs, that's what.
So if I am not a member of the Secret Envelope Club, and I don't really want to go to concerts, what am I going to do? How will I ever know that the song *"Feather Words" by *Baby Toe Spin Project is the greatest love song that has ever been written, at least for this week?
Finally, I don't know why those who do seem to have the "insider information" on Life Changing Bands seem to always think that any British band that blends some sort of weird synthesized keyboard noises into their music is actually worth listening to. A majority of the bands on people's Life Changing Music lists are just this sort, and I am always left scratching my head, wondering, "Why am I listening to a man with a Cockney accent whine to the accompaniment of Techno beats?" Bueller?

There is one thing about music that I do know for sure: Show tunes are the greatest things that has ever happened to music. I love, love, love musical theater, I love show tunes, and I could watch one hundred Broadway shows and never grow tired of it. So while I may not be a member of the Secret Envelope Club, I have absolutely no problem paying money to go see a musical theater number where I can sit down, there is no pot smoke, the audience is quiet, the lyrics are clear, and the shows always start on time. Plus, they usually additional bonuses, like a green witch, special effects, and talking cats.

*"Feather Words" and "Baby Toe Spin Project" are names that I made up, but all of you know they could just as easily be real song and band names. If they aren't already...