Medical Jargon and Five Year Olds

The following is an actual event that occurred today at work. It is so outrageous that even I am reluctant to post it, which is saying a lot, as I am not easily embarrassed. Okay, here goes.

One of my students walked into class this morning and announced loudly, in front of everyone,

"I think I have yogurt in my penis!"

I froze, as other children started to snicker, or say, "Ewwww he sais penis!" before I collected myself and quietly said, "Ummm...okay, let's not talk about that during Circle Time..."

"Well, my penis really does hurt!" he retorted, as I tried my absolute hardest not to laugh and to distract the other children with the "Buenos Dias" song. "We'll talk about it later..." I whispered to him, silently praying that he would just drop it, which he did.

Later on in the day I pulled this student aside to revisit the conversation we had had earlier in the day. Here's how it went:

Me: Hey, (insert name here), I wanted to talk to you about something.
Child: Okay.
Me: Well, I remember you saying earlier that your private parts were hurting. Is that still true?
Child: Yeah!
Me: Well, did something happen?
Child: Yeah, well, you know how when you pull back the extra skin of your penis and it is usually red inside?
Me: (desperately racking my brain for the correct way to answer a five year old who just asked a woman if she ever pulls back the extra skin of her penis) Ummm...yes?
Child: Yeah, well, I did that, and when I did it was all white.
Me: (Trying not to lose it) Okay. Did you tell your dad?
Child: Umm, I don't remember
Me: Is it okay with you if I tell your dad?
Child: Yeah, but it really does hurt!
Me: Yeah, I believe you. You don't have to participate in dance class today if you are not feeling well.
Child: (While performing a gyrating hip movement) It hurts when I do this!
Me: Okay, then just go sit down on the big chair.

He proceeds to the corner of the room where the big chair is located, but not before he turns to the entire class and announces to his peers as well as the dance teacher, "I'm not dancing today because my penis hurts!" This was followed by more laughter, to which he screeched at one child, "HEY! How would you like it if your penis hurt and someone laughed at you?!" Good point, my friend. I would hate it if my penis hurt and someone laughed at its expense.

So, just to recap, I had a conversation about possible yogurt being in a student's penis. I want to die. I don't know that I will ever have a more hilarious/awkward conversation in my life.


Afterthought: While I felt uncomfortable having this conversation, I can only imagine how humiliated this child's father was after he received the Your-son-claims-he-has-yogurt-in-his-penis-call. Eeesh.